7 reasons why reading books is a terrible decision

I know what you’re thinking: oh my gosh! Is she doing a numbered list!?!! Yes. I am. I’ve done it before – and I have no regrets. And also JOKES ON YOU. I didn’t number the reasons so HA! You’ll never know if reason one is actually number seven.

Bad Decisions Will Be Your New Aesthetic

(Not ‘anaesthetic’. This is a different thing. I’ve never made this mistake. *cough*)

And by ‘aesthetic’ I mean you will have huge rings under your eyes. Because you’ve been staying up reading until one, two, or three o’clock in the morning. ‘Just one more chapter …’ will be your death knell.

You hate it, but you know you love it too.

You Will Have A Vast Vocabulary But Can’t Pronounce Any Of It

I can’t pronounce anything. There!I said it! Who knew that ‘dexterous’ rhymes with ‘mysterious’? No one. No one knew. Because no one pronounces it like that. Apart from you.

You’ll crack out a new word that you are pre-t-ty sure will BLOW EVERYONE’S MINDS BECAUSE IT IS SO APT TO THE SITUATION and crickets chirp. Because no one has a clue about which word you’re using.

You Will Have No Space

Charity shops and Amazon and bookshops and just … you’re doomed, okay? Accept it. There’s no way out.

Fact: you will run out of bookshelves.

Fact: you will have to stack books on the floor.

Fact: you don’t regret a thing.

You Will be Frustrated (You Can’t Resurrect Dead Authors. Neither Can You Make Live Authors Write Faster)

Lots of my favourite authors are dead. Georgette Heyer, I’m looking at you.Also, the ones who are alive write. So. Slowly.

The frustration is real and terrible, my friends.

Your Bank Account Will Hate You

…

Kindle is evil and Waterstones is worse. That is all I have to say about that.

Packing Will Be A Nightmare

Packing for a trip. Fun, huh? Some people agonise about which outfits they want to take. Should I take this dress or should I stick with t-shirt and jeans and maybe another pair of jeans and another t-shirt? You … might do the same. But choosing which books to take is far, far worse. ‘What ifs’ haunt me and suddenly I’ve blinked and there’s seventy books in a pile and what if I need a Complete History of Medicine? Huh? WHAT IF I NEED IT???

The tragedy is … you’ll probably end up reading a book on your kindle.

Your books are well-travelled though. That’s a plus.

Movies Will Never Be The Same

If you’ve read a ton of books, you’ll have become an expert. You know exactly what is going to follow what, when the dramatic moment when all hope is lost and ahhhh they’ve taken the Hobbits to Isengard!!! and – best of all – when everything will pick up and either a) the characters will die, b) the bad guy will get what’s coming to him and c) when the heroine realises that perhaps the hero wasn’t so bad after all.

Or something like that. 

(I have no idea if the taking of the Hobbits to Isengard was the beginning of Act Three or not. I haven’t read Lord of The Rings. *GASP* I know! Can you even trust me???!!)

My point is: if you’ve read loads of book, you’ll have cracked the story code. And only the Very Badly Made or Very Brilliant Movies will surprise you.

* * *

Anything to add? What about the unrealistic expectations books give you – dead bodies, handsome heroes just everywhere basically, world portals though pieces of furniture etc etc etc … ?

the bookworm’s guide to reading on a budget

I’m currently Saving Money For The Greater Good Of My Future. It’s a trial, but I’m just about bearing it. Here’s how …

The Open Library

for those who like to enjoy the wonder of the library from the comfort of their home (AKA those who avoid other humans at all costs)

You have to sign up for this website, but once you’ve done it – huzzah! You’ve entered a secret cult of booklovers and teadrinkers just accessed a library with zonks worth of books that are yours to read FOR FREE!

Project Gutenberg

for those who do not wish to sign up for anything. and like older books. you rebels you.

I’ve spent countless hours using this website. In fact, I read the great majority of G.A Henty’s books on Project Gutenberg and I regret nothing; for now I, too, can write a tale of an honest looking youth – not handsome, mind – around the age of fifteen who is VERY VERY COURAGEOUS! and has MUCH PLUCK! (not the kind of pluck one would do on a chicken’s feathers) and lives an exciting life interspersed with a droning, monotonous voice that says Lord So and So moved his armies to such and such a place in the year something or other.

(If you have ever read a Henty, you will appreciate the very great wit which I have just employed. Probably.)

I also read The Rose-Garden Husband, discovered what a love triangle was (SPOILERS: the heroine chose Bill. Or was his name Bob?), and found Sir Walter Scott’s The Bride of the Lammermoor to be disgustingly miserable.

Also – it’s been over eight years and I still can’t spell Gutenberg correctly. I add an extra ‘u’.

LibriVox

for those who cannot afford Audible. and don’t mind listening to strangers talking. for hours.

LibriVox is the spoken form of Project Gutenburg Gutenberg. Some of them are awfully good. I once tried to persuade my brothers that The Scarlet Pimpernel was a magnificent book of magnificent proportions.

It is, and it was, but I didn’t realise that a) Marguerite had so. many. emotions and b) the emotions took up such a great deal of space. I had to reassure my poor brothers that the really AMAZING AND AWESOME PART was coming up soon. It did not, in fact, come up soon. It was at the end of the book. They were not overly impressed.

The Library. Your Local Library.

for those who are willing to leave the shelter of their homes in search of books. introverts around the world salute you.

I have nine books out right now. Nine. One of which is the hefty five book trilogy of The Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy by Douglas Adams. Do you know how much money that would have cost me to purchase? A fortune. A massive fortune.

Do you know how much money I spent? Nothing. NOTHING.

I ordered a book in the other day – instead of buying the ebook version for £4.74, I spent 45p ordering it. FORTY-FIVE PENCE.

It is a universal truth that libraries make you feel good about yourself. They are peaceful places – unless there is a mother and child group in the children’s section. In which case you will be serenaded by the sweet, sweet sounds of The Wheels On The Bus (Go ‘Round and ‘Round). 

Since making the agonising decision to save money on books (it is painful, I can assure you) no less than THREE books have been published by authors I quite enjoy. But if one must have principles, one should probably stick to them. I am using three libraries – my personal one (if I can call my kindle collection, and bookshelves that), my local one, and the online version.

It can be done, my friends. It can be done.

happy reading!